Posted By Trisha
Setting boundaries, though difficult, is essential for self-respect and emotional health.
For the longest time I’d heard people talk about boundaries, and how important they are, but I’d never actually understood what that meant. When I used to think about boundaries I thought of this huge wall or fence around me, keeping people away. Later on in my career, when I became a life coach, I learnt what everyone actually meant by creating boundaries.
For a lot of people growing up in an Indian home, there was no such thing as boundaries. Sharing how you felt, or how another person’s behaviour affected you, was difficult. We were taught to keep quiet if someone said or did something that affected us, because it was important not to cause conflict or be disrespectful- especially if it was an elder. We were also constantly reminded about how grateful we should be to have a nice home, and a good education, because our parents had it difficult growing up and worked hard so we didn’t have to live the life they did. Growing up with this emotional blackmail made it difficult to say no to things we didn’t want, or agree with, because we felt like we owed our parents something. Now don’t get me wrong, gratitude is very important, but does it have to come at the expense of your free will, and mental and emotional well-being? As much as we love our families, we need to love ourselves as well. Constantly putting aside how you feel, or what you need, to please others is basically disrespecting yourself because you’re indirectly telling yourself that you’re worthless and you don’t matter.
Finding the courage to put up boundaries and communicate them, especially in brown culture, is one of the hardest things to do, but when you do it, you’re sending a message that you’re also human, and you deserve better. It will take a while for this to register with those around you, and the change you’re looking for won’t be instant (you may even find that you constantly have to repeat yourself) but be patient and be stern, if they care enough then the change will come. Unfortunately in some cases the change may never come because not everyone will understand your boundaries, after all some people hate who they can’t manipulate. You then have to decide if the relationship is important enough for you to keep going through the same cycle. Just because they are family, doesn’t mean you have to put up with it for the rest of your life. Living our lives without boundaries makes us susceptible to unnecessary stress and problems, and forces us to be at the mercy of someone else’s goals and values.
